Friday, November 18, 2005

Not Coming Out, Just Wading Through

I haven't posted in a long time because my fingers feel frozen.

It's not the temperature outside (although today is a CHILLY 28! O California, where art thou?). It's my heart. I've been going through something I can hardly describe, but I thought you guys, as my friends, deserve to know what's going on with me. And maybe I can snag some prayers from you over this.

I don't want to go into details, but suffice it to say that I've been hurting, dealing with the consequences of my own faulty decisionmaking. My own sin and distance from the Lord.

I didn't want to talk about it--much less publish anything for the world to see!--but my good friend admonished me. She reminded me that some non-Christians think that Christians think they are perfect and never do anything wrong. The perception is that once a person gets 'saved,' they are holier-than-thou, prideful, arrogant. "Look at me, I was a SINNER. But now I am NOT. But poor thing, you STILL ARE." God forbid that I should ever think like that for one second. So, in that spirit, I am laying out my stony heart for you today.

I don't recommend stony hearts, by the way. Opt for the flexible, easily warmed versions. Stony hearts are rigid, heavy, and tough to break. I don't think there will be any in heaven.

Here's where I am:

Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Don't you love how David, even when he's throttled with pain, anger, or sorrow, ends things with hope in the Lord? He's awesome. I want to be like David.

So, my friend (Rachel) and I will be going through Psalms in some form or fashion on our respective blogs. I need the raw honesty of Psalms right now--the "I think I am dying, but Lord, I really need and want you" and "Boy, I really just screwed up, but Lord, I need and want you. Help me!" Yep, sounds like medicine.

I feel like I want to get close to God again but don't know how. I feel so stiff. I know what to do on some level: I've been getting back to reading the Bible regularly, and I need to pray more. But how do I soften my heart?

Maybe that's the thing: I can't. He has to do it for me. I am such a numbskull, thinking I can do everything myself! "I'm fine, thanks. I'll handle it." No, I won't. I can't.

I know He can, though. If there's anything I do know, it's that He can.