Tuesday, April 08, 2008

It's a process...right?

I've changed so much since Noah was born. Some of it has been wonderful, the natural amendments that come with motherhood--but some of it has been a real surprise.

I guess I thought I had everything figured out. Not in an arrogant way, just in a I've-thought-this-out-and-can-back-it-up way.

Now I realize that I have darn near nothing figured out. There are a few things that are constant, that I know are true (like the resurrection of Jesus, or like my assurance that God is who He says He is). But a LOT of other stuff that I was confident about, I am not now.

It's hard to articulate what made that difference. My life circumstances have changed, for one. I am looking for work--and I never thought I'd work after I had a child. It's an assumption I had for as long as I can remember. My mother stayed home with me, I enjoyed and admired that, and I assumed that I would do the same. My beliefs accompanied that assumption beautifully.

I've come to see, though, that in life there's the Ideal (what you would like if you could dictate all circumstances) and there's the Real (what you've got). I assumed that the Ideal is just naturally what would occur, even though life experience had already given me a heads-up that's not the case. I'm too romantic, generally speaking.

I am wincing, afraid this will sound bitter. I hope it doesn't. It's where I honestly am. I think that I was naive before, and now...I don't know what I am. But if I am going to muck through it here, which I'd like to do, I've got to be honest. I feel so different in some ways from the person who wrote all the old posts that I almost wanted to start a new blog, but that feels like I'd be running away from myself. Running probably isn't the solution.

I am not disavowing all the old posts. But I can't say that all of them reflect who I am now. I've revealed my deepest thoughts and beliefs here before, so if you are still reading, you deserve to know that.

You know one thing I really love about blogging, though? The freedom. You can write about God, or food, or music, or the Presidential race, and it's okay. So that's what I am going to do. I also love that it's okay to change. That's what humans do. And if my blog is personal, which it's always been, then it's going to reflect the changes I go through. (Probably stating the obvious there, but it's helping me.)

All this blather, and I'll probably write a dang post about laundry or sushi next.