Thursday, June 29, 2006

A Primer

Lately I've been feeling nauseated, tired, listless, and dizzy--all the time.

I know what's going on.

I believe there is a point to this, and I write that even as I count the minutes until 8PM so I can go to sleep (my only refuge from the sickness).

Look at the facts: I am wholly separated from what was my normal life. Every moment of the day is, in one way or another, consumed with pregnancy. I am sick, I am emotional, I am unable to forget my state. I am inconvenienced and uncomfortable most of the time.

I am not complaining, just stating the facts about where I am right now.

In fact, I think this experience is expressly meant to prepare me for motherhood. I realize that motherhood is not all inconvenience and discomfort (thank God!), but I also realize that where I was once concerned with myself and my husband, I will now be responsible for much more than my own well-being, amusement, and edification. Existence will be necessarily much less about what I want and more about what another needs. That's not quite the case with a household that contains only two adults. We think of and accomodate one another, to be sure, but neither of us requires constant attention!

I realized this morning, though, that I will always be a child. I don't want to lose that in all the mental hubbub about 'responsibility' that can easily fester into worry and anxiety--two plagues that will rob me of the joy and wonder that should come with motherhood.

I see, too, an opportunity for a second childhood, of sorts. I thought of it this morning as I walked among the dewy plants, breathing in the still cool air and remembering how exciting it was to take a simple walk as a child. Each one was a wonderful adventure...and I can feel that again as I walk with a little one of my own.

I'm in a nine-month boarding school that trains new mothers, and the first classes are really, really tough.