Friday, June 02, 2006


Everything is still going well.

I am trying not to panic about little things--about anything--but it's hard. One second I am elated, planning in my mind, dreaming; and then at almost the next moment, I am terrified, ashamed of imagining the worst, frozen, scared almost even to breathe. I know it's irrational, but sometimes I'm scared that little things will cause the worst case scenario to occur. Being trepidatious goes against my nature, and it's grating.

It's the five years of infertility talking, not Kristen's Faith talking.

I do have moments of Faith Sanity: remembering that God is in charge, that He knows what He is doing, that I am not a statistic. I refused to Google certain statistical data because it would feel like a violation of that knowledge. God is in control. I am not a statistic, so what's the point of looking them up? It would make me feel disloyal to Him.

"Gee, God, I don't really trust you so much after all; lemme see what my chances are of getting to term? I'll ask Almighty Google."

Nope--that's not going to be happening. I've been looking to Google for many things lately, but that won't be one of them!

Regarding the last post: thanks for the support and kind words. You know, I really am excited about the idea of homeschooling. I've been head over heels in love with it ever since I did most of my graduate work on the topic while getting my M.Ed. There are SO MANY reasons to homeschool. I just didn't want any of you guys to think I am getting cold feet in that arena. I can't WAIT!

I trust what God is doing...I just have to keep reminding myself that I do.

Blah. Someone save me from my hormones!