Sunday, May 04, 2008

Ways My Kid Is Smarter Than I Am, #5672b

Noah says "Amen." Sometimes contextually, sometimes totally randomly. He says it when he sees his little Bible Storybook, and he says it when we're at the table. I think his grandmother had a hand in teaching him that word. He folds his little hands and looks at you right in the eye and says, "Amen."

Sometimes he yells it if you aren't paying enough attention. "AMEN! AMEN!"

Or if he just ate a particularly good Honey Nut Cheerio (which he calls "bee" because there's one on the package--"Bee? Bee?"). "AMEN!"

I don't know how much he knows yet about being thankful, but every time he says the word I realize how often I forget to thank God for everything He's given me. My days are so full and busy--more and different than before Noah--and I just put God on the back burner. Embarrassing, shameful and wrong, but true.

I've got to get my priorities straight, because I want Noah to know that Mommy is thankful to God, not just speeding along in life, taking each day for granted.

I mentioned a long time ago that I went through some post-partum depression. I know first-hand now how crippling it is emotionally. Honestly, I don't think I am completely over it. I don't feel like I used to feel inside. I experience joy with my family and have so much fun with Noah, but it's like there's a gray film over things, or like there's a dead weight inside my chest. I can tell--just because I remember how I used to be--that I am not experiencing good emotions all the way to my bones like I did before. I hope that makes sense.

In the beginning (right after Noah was born, like the day after, and lasting for several weeks) I was a huge wreck. I cried a lot and had terrifying visions of Noah falling or getting hurt--not of my hurting him, but of it happening despite anything I could do. I felt like the whole motherhood thing was too much for me, that it completely overwhelmed me. I remember sitting in the doctor's office right after Noah was born and just holding back tears. The doctor asked how I was doing, and it was everything I could do to hold myself together.

My friend who had a child within days of Noah's birth also had PPD. She says that she felt angry almost all the time, without cause. I can identify with that, too, and I have always been a happy person, not a negative, easily angered one. It's kind of scary not to recognize yourself, and to constantly be asked, "Is something wrong? Are you okay?" when you thought you looked normal or neutral.

I think that getting help is important, but it's also important for me to cry out to God. I know He is there and I know He will help me. There are so many things to be thankful for!

Psalm 69:1-3, 14-18a

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God....

Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters.

Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me.

Hear me, O LORD; for thy lovingkindness is good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies.

And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble: hear me speedily.

Draw nigh unto my soul, and redeem it.